Funny Love, Wham Bam Bam

Why do I still search for it?

I know love is different for everyone, I know it ebbs and flows, I know it changes.
After all this time, I still don't think I know what I want.

I must have been in my early thirties when a female photographer and I had gotten pretty close. We had to do a 28 page catalog together so we had been spending lots of time together. She told me a story that made my mouth drop. She found out her husband of over 10 years was leading a double life. He was married to another women in another state and had children with her. I don't remember the details, I just remember that she was shattered. I had a hard time wrapping my head around what she told me.

My mother always said "You never know what goes on behind closed doors"

My Aunt knew her husband was having an affair for many years, she still loved him and took care of him. Each Thursday night for I don't know how many years he worked late. She was just content with the fact that he came home. She died first. Which worked out really well for him.

Is this what I want?

I know too many couples to count who have not been intimate for years. Observers think they are happy.
They are comfortable and neither wants to pull up roots and give up a lifestyle they have become accustom to. They have no passion, some are mean spirited toward each other.

I don't want that.

I'm guessing I won't know what I want until it bites me in the...

Life in the Slow Lane

I really don't like to go food shopping. It's one of those things that was much simpler years ago. Now there are so many choices: low calorie, low salt, no salt, low fat, high protein, lite, 1%, 2%, mini, maxi, fresh, organic, natural, high fiber.....you get my drift. It takes so long to find the one simple thing that I've been buying for years or to sift through all of the new choices. What used to be a quick stop now seems to take an eternity.

Back in the day, I actually clipped coupons. Then I decided with the time it took to clip and organize...and then to find the item in the store ~ I finally freed myself of it all. Now I see these extreme coupon ladies and it really is amazing. I have much respect for them!

But back to shopping. I remember the days when not only was someone always there to pack up your bundles, there was actually some kid outside who would help put the bags in your car for a small tip. Now that I'm not a young whippersnapper, I wish that was still the way of the grocery world.

There was a time when I enjoyed buying food, when my daughter was a toddler. Still small enough to sit in the cart seat but old enough not to grab at pizza cutters dangling from lame plastic hooks along the frozen pizza aisle. Those were fine times, getting a free cookie at the bakery, a slice of cheese at the Deli, learning new words, opening boxes of cereals before paying for them and munching on fresh grapes. I remember one of the first times I ran to the store with out her. That was the one and only time I actually grabbed the wrong cart in the process of shopping. I guess I was so used to her as a marker for the cart and I also guess I never left the cart alone when she was in it. I'll actually never know if someone grabbed my cart or if I grabbed theirs.

Needless to say I rarely have food in my house.

MOMMY! He's...

I have not had a close relationship with my brother since my mom kicked him out of the house in 1970. I tried, many times, but the obstacles were high. He was leading his own "wild life" that I was too young to be a part off. There's a big gap between 14 and 18, that lessens greatly between 57 and 61.

Our lives were different. He married and had his first son at 19, made a six figure salary with no more than a high school diploma. He worked hard and played hard. Drove beautiful cars, and toured the country on Harley's. His suits were custom made, he owned a magnificent collection of guns and he's "inked" to the nines.. We spoke maybe once a year, and saw each other every few.
I went to art school, married at 30, had my ears pierced three times, drive a 15 year old Subaru, before that I had two Chevette's and a Hyundai,  and had my daughter at 47. He laughed when I told him I was pregnant. I live my life in moderation. I don't do anything hard.

Seven years ago after our mother was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, she moved in with me for her last few months. My brother came often to see her. He favored my mom, I favored my dad, who died when I was eleven. My relationship with my brother grew from that point for awhile, then it fell back to where it had been. Last May my brothers wife passed away and I did what I do. He's on a fixed income now from a motorcycle accident, and can no longer stay where he is. I asked him to move in with me and he accepted.
My brother is moving in with me next week.

Take a deep breath.

Girls Rule Boys Drool

It seems to have come up in conversations recently, so after all of these years I've decided to give some thought to the question. What are the differences (for me) between female friends and male friends? Aside from the obvious.

I am fortunate to say that I have had many close relationships with both sexes over the years, my first boy "friend" was Steven. I'm very bad with dates and years so I'm guessing we were about six or seven. Steven lived three doors down from me and he was a year younger. We played lots of made up games and explored nature. Once we found a dead bird and dissected it. That was the day I got my first wasp sting. Then there was Sandy, we played house. At this point in my life there were no little girls on my block and so I had not yet experienced a real girlfriend, I also had only boy cousins, so I guess you could say I developed an ease around boys.

My first real girlfriend that I remember was when I started elementary school. Her name was Melody and sometimes I ate lunch at her house or visited after school. 
My friendships were never like "The Bill Chill" I never was in a group of friends that hung out and did stuff together. It was always one on one and still is. Every once in a while there would be two girls, it was fun while it lasted but it never seemed to, last that is.

So now lets get to the meat of the question. What are the differences? Well, with girlfriends, we talk about boys (boyfriends, love interests) and with boys we talked about love interests, usually of the opposite sex. Occasionally, I would go shopping with a friend, but usually alone. Some guys are very helpful at this. Drinks, dinner, lunch, movies, it's all the same with boys and girls. Talking is the key. Real friends no matter which sex are best to talk to. Talking on the sofa, on the phone, at tea, while standing by your car, skyping, texting, iming.

Ya know how people always say the sign of a true friend is: "it doesn't matter how long we've been apart we just pick up were we left off" I say the sign of a true friend is when one or both of you needs to leave and neither of you can stop talking.

The sex of the person makes not one bit a difference.

Clean up on Aisle...

I hate food shopping.

Pickin Cotton

I work in a fabric store.

Up until a few months ago I enjoyed my job. I adore my coworkers and my work was challenging, creative and fun. I built up our Facebook page from 200 to over 6000, wrote some blogs, sent out email sales and newsletters.     I designed a look, and generally was the Social Media go to girl. Until the young forman arrived. Suddenly the majority of my job resonsibilites were taken from me without a word. Well, there were a few words that came in the form of commands. I was to help the young bucks with ideas, direction and design ideas as well.

Nah, I don't think so.

Turns out I know the pulse of our readers and what they want. The Foreman tells me not to change anything I do on Facebook, because it works so well. I do anyway....when I think I can improve it. The sad part is I still like that part of my job. I hate not being acknowledged or appreciated for a job well done. Of course this kid makes twice what I do as a part-time consultant and he farms out the design (if you can call it that) to Pakistan.

Am I surprised? No, I've rarely been appreciated for my talents. In reality it may be partially my fault, I don't demand much. But between the glass ceiling and now the gray ceiling. It's hard to know the real reason.

I'm sure there's another plantation that can use some cheap help.

Shock Treatment

If someone has cancer and you know they are dying is it less painful when they pass?

When you see the company you work for sending more work overseas, does it hurt any less when you get your notice of termination?

If you suspect a friend is lying is it any less of a betrayal to find out the truth?

When you think the person you share your life with loves another, do you still shed a tear when they close the door behind them?