He's Just in it for Sex

I recently wrote this as my status on FaceBook:

All of the males I know say of other men "Oh, he's just in it for sex". Uh, um, so....

I'm still left unresolved. If every male I know says he's just in it for sex in a negative manner about other men, are they also saying it about themselves?
Which brings me once again to the question of love vs sex. Here are my thoughts:

I have bandied about the phrases "love" and "in love" too many times to count, and I will continue to do so most likely until the day I die. I love so many men, I'm in love with many of them too. Not the kind of in love that doesn't last the kind of in love that brings joy to my heart. I have said "if you can make me laugh, I'll fall in love with you" it's so true. Do I fantasize about sex with these men? That's my business, do I flirt, hell yeah! Love is weird, it comes from the heart when you least expect it. It's fleeting, it's deep, it's forever, sometimes it dies. "In love" is more confusing to me. I've never gotten beyond first grade "in love". I kissed Steven Rosenberg on the cheek in the back of the class. That was the beginning for me, I don't even think we ever spoke. Hit and run, that's me. I prefer the word smitten, it's so non-committal and better describes feelings.

As for sex, I have loved sexual partners, I have been in love with sexual partners, I have had no feeling for sexual partners, and I have been date raped. No means No guys. I have had bad sex with men I love and I have had great sex with men I don't love. I have fallin in love during sex for a moment, and then afterwards wondered why I'm there. I've had angry "I'll show him" sex. I've had one last time sex (that never seemed to be one last time even if it took years to happen again) and I've had can we just get this over with sex.

My one friend's response was "and women are in it for....??"
To which my reply is: What the heck do I know. I just hate it when it ends.

"Hubbell, it's Katie."

Have you ever cried during sex? I have, not a lot but it has happened.

When I'm "caught" of course I lie. I've always tried my best to hide it but sometimes depending on how you wind up, the tears role in a bad position and then you can't get to them because your hands are God knows where, so you hear him say "are you crying?" Busted! Honestly this doesn't happen often, how could it, after all? So, what do I say? "YEAH??? WTF is that about?" or "It's nothing, happens sometimes just an emotional release....women?"

Why do I really cry? Sometimes, just for a second, my head interrupts the fun that my body is having. (at least when it is having fun) Once my brain goes there, my heart shifts into immediate reaction and triggers the tear.

Where does my brain go for that two seconds? To the reality of the situation, to the heart of the matter. To the fact that this has nothing to do with love. To the knowledge that it's possible I could have a brown paper bag over my head and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. To the reality that I am not special.

But more than that...neither is he.

The Boy

There is a boy I work with, by boy I refer to an eighteen year old. He resembles a young Paul Newman, but for green eyes. From his work persona, he seems like a good kid. Does his job, helps when he sees the need without being asked, quiet. He has a steady girlfriend of quite some years whom he seems to be thoroughly in love with. He wants a career in art, God bless him.

What draws me to this kid is his freedom of speech, at least to me, when we are speaking alone. He has no inhibitions being complimentary to me, even though I am old enough to be his Grandmother. No, I'm not attracted to him, he is a child. I am fascinated by him, I watch this behavior in an almost clinical way.
I wonder at what point in time, when a boy becomes a man, does he start to hold back his thoughts?

I've had very little experience with men who compliment women with such ease. I see it in movies, but most of the men I've encountered have excuses why they cannot give so freely. Scarred by past relationships, fear of rejection or humiliation. Just generally not comfortable with saying what they are thinking or seeing no reason why they should.

When his girlfriend stops by work he tells her he likes her shirt, she looks cute. She seems to take it for granted, I don't even hear a thank you from her lips. It looks as though he is given nothing in return, but what do I know? Maybe this will cause him to stop giving as he matures.

The other day I was just going through my daily routine, when we passed each other. He said "We're you goin lookin all pretty?" It made me giggle. I had gotten my hair colored but had no make-up on, nor was I wearing anything other than my normal work attire. For every women this boy encounters through-out his entire lifetime...I hope he never losses this charm, sincerity, and ability to give simple compliments.

How many lives could he touch, how many frowns could he turn around, how many days will he have the ability to "make" for someone along the way? What a loss it will be if he ever grows up.

Dinner with a Friend

Last night I had dinner with a girlfriend, a new girlfriend. We talked about men, family, high school, hair, men, movie stars, likes, dislikes, fashion, men, feelings, our pets, books, music, and Men.

We are our Fathers daughters.

Some of us grew up with Fathers who were there, supportive, loving and generous with their time. Many grew up with fathers who were absent, lost within their own shortcomings, trying to reclaim their lost youth or simply exhausted each night trying to make ends meet. Whomever we have become, due to our childhoods, however we think we feel now. However independent we are, as much as we love our freedom. We are all products of our childhoods, needing what we have always needed, forever searching.

Last night I had dinner with a girlfriend, a new girlfriend. We talked about men.