Shock Treatment

If someone has cancer and you know they are dying is it less painful when they pass?

When you see the company you work for sending more work overseas, does it hurt any less when you get your notice of termination?

If you suspect a friend is lying is it any less of a betrayal to find out the truth?

When you think the person you share your life with loves another, do you still shed a tear when they close the door behind them?

Taking Off

It couldn't have been easy for my mother, raising an eleven year old and a fourteen year old alone after her husband died, but she did the best she could. It was the sixties and she was just a mere forty herself. What I remember was a lot of yelling, until one night she literally kicked him out. At the time I was just happy to finally have my own room and not have to share it with my mom.

For years I never gave any weight to the situation, I just dusted myself off and put on a happy face despite my needs for guidance and attention. Looking back now as an adult to the me as a child, I can see the struggle and the pain clearly. There have been many aftershocks.

After losing my father at eleven and my brother at fourteen, you might say I floundered a bit. My mom was constantly out dating, while I was alone with my headphones and alcohol. I was clearly lost. I had relationships with boys, then I had relationships with men. I'm sure any shrink would say I was just in search of my father, or mother, or brother for that matter.

When my mothers brain tumor was diagnosed as terminal, I brought her to my home, and helped her die. That brought my brother and I back together, I was hopeful, but it was brief.

My brothers wife died six months ago. He is lonely and lost, so of course I have opened my home to him. He has been here for only one week.

People have commented on how generous I am, how wonderful it is that I have done this. It makes me uncomfortable to hear these words. It is he who has brought the comfort to me. Knowing that he is now here for the long hall brought me a peace I haven't known. I am finding myself again, that person who poked herself out on good days, seems to be slowly emerging. It's such a submerged feeling I'm not even sure what it it is, but I think I'm finding my wings.

Soon I should be ready to take off.

D is for Dead

Guinea Pig Found Dead:
Reaper Strikes Again on Facebook!


Actual Facebook Post
Dale's post: We lost our little guinea pig, Rocky, today. He was a sweet little boy and will be surely missed by all of us. RIP Rocky xoxo
1 person likes this (?)
Diane: SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT. HOW ARE THE KIDS TAKING IT??
Darcy: Rocky was lucky to have had such a great family to love him while he was here... ♥ RIP Rocky, so sorry Smith crew.. xo
Dale Smith: We all are taking it hard...Rocky was a sweetie... He always greeted me every morning and every night. every time he heard my voice, he would sqeak a greeting. I will really miss him.
Debbi:  I know how you all feel. they are like family
Doris: Sorry Dale
Della: Sorry to hear that Dale! Guinea pig, cat, dog, hamster, what have you...they're all a part of our family and are missed when they are gone. The "tough" part of loving a pet! Hang in there!
Dale Smith:  Rocky was a very interactive member of the family...loved to be held and cuddled.
Dale Smith: You're right Della. They are all treasured members of the family. My 'babies' are all very special to me (us).
Dale Smith: Thanks everyone...It has been a rough day...
Dorothy: Dee never said a word when she cameover??
Dina: awww, sorry guys. i know how attached we all are to your piggies.
Dana:  Awww, so sorry gf!
Demi:  so sad - I am sorry
Donna:  OH sorry to hear about that...its hard to lose a pet.
Daria:  I'm so sorry to hear this Dale. He was a charmer for sure. I'm so glad I got the chance to meet him. I know how much the Smith family loves him and it sure did show!! RIP Rocky. If there is anything we can do for you, we are here for you all! Sending our love and prayers during this sad time. XOXO
Last comment I could stomach to copy: How sad! :(


Two days later I found myself at PetSmart watching a Guinea Pig behind glass still wondering what all the fuss was about.

More posts about Facebook: In your Facebook Death and Facebook

The Grim Reaper on Facebook

It really gets me going when someone posts about death on Facebook. I have no desire to see the Grim Reaper on Facebook, or anywhere else. He even scares me when he shows Ebenezer Scrooge his future grave.

Whether a victim of a crime, an accident, a sudden death or a long drawn out illness that takes ones quality of life and what dignity remains and throws it to the wolves. Death sucks, we all know it, we've all experienced it. But it isn't about us is it? It feels to me that some people insist on trying to make it about them and it isn't.

If it's someone close to you chances are your friends are aware of it. You can write, talk, comfort, hug, yell, scream, cry, whatever in private. I think it's fine in a united effort to memorialize the person when you are all sharing in the pain of loss. I myself have posted on pages about someones loss. You can tell when it's a heartfelt cry or pure despair. It's when it's used as an announcement of some sort, like "look at me, I deserve attention, I know someone who died" "poor me" I call it sympathy votes.

Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch, or maybe I just started young with this death business but when I hear someone over 90 has passed away I feel sad, but not too sad. If they lived a full life, got to watch their children grow, had some success, enjoyed life, etc. Well, death is part of life. Isn't it?
If they are young, it's very, very sad. I have a difficult time not thinking about it and the family they leave behind ~ BUT it's still not about me.

The facebook responses are many, and almost all the same. I think this stuff is just too personal, I'm a private person. The reason I got so irked and needed to write about this is the following post. I'm only quoting part of it to protect the author.

"Saddened by the impending loss of my beloved mother in law...",
Wait a minute, so she's not even dead yet? Obviously this one is gonna be milked for everything they can get out of it. This has gone too far. Yeah ~ I'm saddened by the impending loss of every man. Consider yourself fortunate that you get to say everything you never got to say and spent part of your life time with this person.
"I keep vigil every night after work by her bedside"  "You a remarkable", writes a friend.
"My husband's lovely mother died this morning, we will miss her always."
Does this mean we don't have to hear about it anymore? Christ, I surely hope so.

Sincerely,
Your average cold hearted cynical bitch

P.S. We all know how it sucks to have a pet die too. Man up, keep your memories, if you really miss cleaning up shit, get a new one. But do you have to post it on Facebook?

Disclaimer: someone I love recently lost someone they love ~ this post is not in anyway a reflection of anything posted on Facebook by you, your family or friends. 

Missing You

It hits me when I least expect it. I’m driving and suddenly a certain line in a song makes me miss you. Songs written for lovers not Daughters missing Fathers. Sometimes it is just a moment captured by a picture in my brain frozen in time. I miss who you were, who I was, who we were.

Mostly I miss the life I never knew.

Like a fantasy that has been concocted in my brain. It's not that I ever really made up a story, it's more like stories I've seen time and again in movies.

When certain things get talked about a sensitivity rises from a narrow well in my soul. Major life events, things that are important in a young girls life, take me back ~ even if it is no longer me it is happening to.

I am no longer a young girl.
But there are things that no amount of time can erase.

His Time of Need

A phone call in the middle of the night is never good. It's a clear indicator that something is wrong. In my experience it has always meant someone has died or been rushed to the hospital. At least this is how it happens in my family.

When the call came at 3:30 I didn't answer with "hello" I answered with "what's wrong". My brothers wife died from a heart attack in her sleep.

Now I go into auto pilot. I have been in this mode many times before and I'm quite prepared, which is not to say I'm not shook up. He lives about 90 minutes away and I'll make the solo drive tomorrow.

I felt compassion only once from my brother. It was the day my father died, I was eleven and my mom told me my dad was very sick. My brother put it into terms that I understood, he said " Daddy isn't going to get better" and he hugged me.

I'm sure that when everything is done, all arrangements have been made, and things are nice and tidy, everything will return to normal. I won't see him for years, he won't call me on my birthday, and he'll forget he has a niece. When I tell him I really need to see him he'll make some excuse why he can't visit.

OR - maybe not, maybe things will be different this time.

I hope so.