Strings

 

In High School some of the kids wouldn't let you into their own private little groups. Apparently I didn't have whatever it took. Even then I knew I shouldn't have to "jump through hoops" to feel that I belonged.
Even then I knew something wasn't right with this hierarchy.

My young daughter has learned not to base her opinions on what others say. I have taught her that you need to get to know the person regardless of what you may hear. You need to judge for yourself who is a good fit for you and who is not. Sometimes you need to try harder and sometimes it comes naturally. Often if you put effort into it you will find we all have a commonality. If the other person doesn't want to try you also have to accept that and move on. Maybe down the road you will meet again and things will be different, maybe not.

I dated someone for a few years who was attached at the hip to his friends. They had been a unit for easily 30 years. I did not "fit in" with these friends. They talked about the old days, the neighborhood, or friends they had in common. Nothing ever went beyond chit chat, and it became obvious they had no need or desire to know me. 

I remember a story this man told me about a high school "friend" he had. A lonely boy who sought only to be accepted to into his group. What he said of the outsider was: "he tried so hard, but we would never let him in". His mannerism when he told the story as an adult still rang with cruelty.

It was then that I realized, they would never let me in.
I also realized that was perfectly okay.
Who would ever want to be "attached" to a group that don't "let" people in?

Laid Off, Fired, Let Go

You can be laid off or you can get laid.
You can be fired or fired up.
You can let go, or be let go.
I think I have experienced all of the above
in the past 30 days.

I'm tired.

He's Just in it for Sex

I recently wrote this as my status on FaceBook:

All of the males I know say of other men "Oh, he's just in it for sex". Uh, um, so....

I'm still left unresolved. If every male I know says he's just in it for sex in a negative manner about other men, are they also saying it about themselves?
Which brings me once again to the question of love vs sex. Here are my thoughts:

I have bandied about the phrases "love" and "in love" too many times to count, and I will continue to do so most likely until the day I die. I love so many men, I'm in love with many of them too. Not the kind of in love that doesn't last the kind of in love that brings joy to my heart. I have said "if you can make me laugh, I'll fall in love with you" it's so true. Do I fantasize about sex with these men? That's my business, do I flirt, hell yeah! Love is weird, it comes from the heart when you least expect it. It's fleeting, it's deep, it's forever, sometimes it dies. "In love" is more confusing to me. I've never gotten beyond first grade "in love". I kissed Steven Rosenberg on the cheek in the back of the class. That was the beginning for me, I don't even think we ever spoke. Hit and run, that's me. I prefer the word smitten, it's so non-committal and better describes feelings.

As for sex, I have loved sexual partners, I have been in love with sexual partners, I have had no feeling for sexual partners, and I have been date raped. No means No guys. I have had bad sex with men I love and I have had great sex with men I don't love. I have fallin in love during sex for a moment, and then afterwards wondered why I'm there. I've had angry "I'll show him" sex. I've had one last time sex (that never seemed to be one last time even if it took years to happen again) and I've had can we just get this over with sex.

My one friend's response was "and women are in it for....??"
To which my reply is: What the heck do I know. I just hate it when it ends.

"Hubbell, it's Katie."

Have you ever cried during sex? I have, not a lot but it has happened.

When I'm "caught" of course I lie. I've always tried my best to hide it but sometimes depending on how you wind up, the tears role in a bad position and then you can't get to them because your hands are God knows where, so you hear him say "are you crying?" Busted! Honestly this doesn't happen often, how could it, after all? So, what do I say? "YEAH??? WTF is that about?" or "It's nothing, happens sometimes just an emotional release....women?"

Why do I really cry? Sometimes, just for a second, my head interrupts the fun that my body is having. (at least when it is having fun) Once my brain goes there, my heart shifts into immediate reaction and triggers the tear.

Where does my brain go for that two seconds? To the reality of the situation, to the heart of the matter. To the fact that this has nothing to do with love. To the knowledge that it's possible I could have a brown paper bag over my head and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. To the reality that I am not special.

But more than that...neither is he.

I Could Spend my Whole Day Through Just Watching you.

I simply adore people watching. Strangers that is, not a stalker! I could do it all day and I have.

When I graduated Art School me and my friend did almost all of the Art Shows at the shore. It was fun, we made a couple of bucks, met other artists, swapped art, got a tan, and had an excuse to rent a motel room.

You're typical win win.

Normally I would find myself sitting on the railing if there was one, working on my tan and watching the people.It made the day fly, sales made the day fly too, but people watching was easier. Well, I learned how to act at an art/craft show at least, the do's and don'ts as it were. But lets get back to people watching.

Another great place to people watch is at Trade Shows and Weddings, I have taken up smoking at weddings so I can go out and mingle and feel at one with the other smokers. Turns out it's a special private club, and a great reason to excuse yourself when you find you are bored to tears. Wish I had started it years ago.

You need to be discreet, if they know you are watching they show off, sometimes I start up a ridiculously personal conversation, especially with young people. I feel I am at the age that I can finally get away with it without fear that someone thinks I'm trying to pick them up.

So next time you go out I'll be the one not paying attention, but watching every movement.
Don't be fooled there are many of us.

Funny Love, Wham Bam Bam

Why do I still search for it?

I know love is different for everyone, I know it ebbs and flows, I know it changes.
After all this time, I still don't think I know what I want.

I must have been in my early thirties when a female photographer and I had gotten pretty close. We had to do a 28 page catalog together so we had been spending lots of time together. She told me a story that made my mouth drop. She found out her husband of over 10 years was leading a double life. He was married to another women in another state and had children with her. I don't remember the details, I just remember that she was shattered. I had a hard time wrapping my head around what she told me.

My mother always said "You never know what goes on behind closed doors"

My Aunt knew her husband was having an affair for many years, she still loved him and took care of him. Each Thursday night for I don't know how many years he worked late. She was just content with the fact that he came home. She died first. Which worked out really well for him.

Is this what I want?

I know too many couples to count who have not been intimate for years. Observers think they are happy.
They are comfortable and neither wants to pull up roots and give up a lifestyle they have become accustom to. They have no passion, some are mean spirited toward each other.

I don't want that.

I'm guessing I won't know what I want until it bites me in the...

Life in the Slow Lane

I really don't like to go food shopping. It's one of those things that was much simpler years ago. Now there are so many choices: low calorie, low salt, no salt, low fat, high protein, lite, 1%, 2%, mini, maxi, fresh, organic, natural, high fiber.....you get my drift. It takes so long to find the one simple thing that I've been buying for years or to sift through all of the new choices. What used to be a quick stop now seems to take an eternity.

Back in the day, I actually clipped coupons. Then I decided with the time it took to clip and organize...and then to find the item in the store ~ I finally freed myself of it all. Now I see these extreme coupon ladies and it really is amazing. I have much respect for them!

But back to shopping. I remember the days when not only was someone always there to pack up your bundles, there was actually some kid outside who would help put the bags in your car for a small tip. Now that I'm not a young whippersnapper, I wish that was still the way of the grocery world.

There was a time when I enjoyed buying food, when my daughter was a toddler. Still small enough to sit in the cart seat but old enough not to grab at pizza cutters dangling from lame plastic hooks along the frozen pizza aisle. Those were fine times, getting a free cookie at the bakery, a slice of cheese at the Deli, learning new words, opening boxes of cereals before paying for them and munching on fresh grapes. I remember one of the first times I ran to the store with out her. That was the one and only time I actually grabbed the wrong cart in the process of shopping. I guess I was so used to her as a marker for the cart and I also guess I never left the cart alone when she was in it. I'll actually never know if someone grabbed my cart or if I grabbed theirs.

Needless to say I rarely have food in my house.