Missing You

It hits me when I least expect it. I’m driving and suddenly a certain line in a song makes me miss you. Songs written for lovers not Daughters missing Fathers. Sometimes it is just a moment captured by a picture in my brain frozen in time. I miss who you were, who I was, who we were.

Mostly I miss the life I never knew.

Like a fantasy that has been concocted in my brain. It's not that I ever really made up a story, it's more like stories I've seen time and again in movies.

When certain things get talked about a sensitivity rises from a narrow well in my soul. Major life events, things that are important in a young girls life, take me back ~ even if it is no longer me it is happening to.

I am no longer a young girl.
But there are things that no amount of time can erase.

Practically Naked

Witness now the downfall of my morning's acceptable clothing to drive my child to school in.

In the beginning I would walk my daughter through the school yard, chit chat with the other parents and greet the teachers. I would have my clothes on for work, my hair brushed, a bit of make up on and my teeth cleaned. The weather was nice and the year was fresh and new.

It was a slow demise. As the year progressed she no longer needed to be walked through the school yard. She was more comfortable with her surroundings. I could now drop her off and be home alone for thirty minutes. This was the beginning of the end. First I stopped applying make up. When the winter came I would just throw a coat over whatever I had on. Then I started wearing a Baseball Cap with a ponytail. Last but not least I wasn't going to be talking to anyone so why brush?

In the Spring, thirty minutes became forty five and the coat was replaced with a sweater. After a few weeks of feeling comfortable with the new me, I started leaving the house in whatever I had slept in. (or at least what wound up on my bed) After all, who's looking? Now I'm just your basic Mom, dropping my kid off in the car. The kind of woman I watched with horror. "How could she leave the house like that?" Well, it's pretty easy.

Today was the last day of school. I rose early, dressed, made up, brushed and went directly to work after the drop off. I was forty minutes early, even my boss noticed.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

STRESS

We may live longer but we're more stressed than our parents ever were.
What good is modern medicine if life is making us more sick and the crap in our food is creating more illness.

Now that I think of it, what about technology, isn't that supposed to be doing us harm? Microwave's, cellphones, starring at monitors all day, cubicles with no natural light, no fresh air? Well, maybe fresh air isn't a good thing anymore either.

When was the last time you had a grievance of some sort and you needed to talk to a live person, and found one! Now I'm just stressing myself out thinking about it.

The concept of bigger, faster, better sounds like a good idea, but I wonder. I want to go back to a simpler life, just not too far back. It's not like I want to pump water from the well, or churn butter.

I mean, I'd like to be able to call for an ambulance if I needed one.
But WOULD I need one if things weren't so crazy in the first place?

Time

In 1968 The Chambers Brothers came out with a song "Time has come Today". It was eleven minutes long and at the end of the song, they kept repeating the word TIME at slower and slower intervals. This ending still echos in my head sometimes when I think about the way everything seems so hurried today.

Everyone seems to need instant gratification. Maybe it began with the microwave. Frozen meals, known in the 50's as TV Dinners took about 30 - 45 minutes in the oven. Which seemed fast back then. Now you can throw a hot pocket in the microwave and eat it in as little as 2 minutes. If that isn't quick enough for you try wrapping a hotdog in a bun with a paper towel for forty seconds.

Remember the days when you had to wait a few years for a movie to make it from the theater to TV? Now you can download it in moments.

How much is instant gratification ruining our lives?
How do you teach patience to a child in this hurry up world?

My microwave broke last week. Ugh!

Fess Up Karen

It wasn't just rainy days and Mondays that got you down.
My guess is it was love.
Lost love, love never found, unrequited love or not enough love.

Maybe you didn't feel loved (at least not by the person you needed love from)
Did you deprive yourself because you felt unworthy? Un-lovable?

The lilting voice of a songbird that brought joy, now brings tears. Loved by so many, known to so few.

Dead at 32.

"And when the evening comes we smile,
So much of life ahead"

Are Only Fools Kind?

I'm a selfless person.
I like the term "selfless bitch" only cause I like the wordplay.

I'm not trying to brag its just a fact. I'm not proud of it, sometimes I even complain about it. I never put myself first, which feels out of my control. Of course it's entirely possible that I don't feel that I deserve anything. So I readily give of myself and rarely ask for anything in return. It does get tiresome. I don't take care of myself. I don't eat well, I never treat myself to much, and I even feel guilty if I sit and watch a movie. Right now, at this moment, it feels as if my selflessness will take over. I mean it feels like I could loose myself completely in the care and feeding of others. This has happened before. I have been teased about it. If I didn't do it would someone else step up to the plate?

I wasn't always like this. It seems like it was easier when I lived alone. But that's just a long ago memory. Even when I shop for food I almost never get something only I want. When I go out to dinner my choice is based on price not desire. Even when someone else is buying.

I give freely, without thought.
But aren't I supposed to love myself too?
I like myself, I like my company, sometimes I crack myself up.
I just can't find it in my heart to treat myself the way I treat others.

I don't know what it's all about Alfie.
Are we meant to take more than we give.
Or are we meant to be kind?

Run Bunny Run

See Bunny Run.
Run Bunny Run
See Cat Run
Run Cat Run
Hide Bunny Hide

Poor little Bunny,
Shake Bunny Shake
Heart pounds so loud.
Can I take you home?
Run along little baby bunny,
find your bunny burrow.

I saw your Momma in the field.
Come Momma Come
Take Baby Bunny home.