Little Lawrence of Arabia

This is my daughter about eight years ago on a windy day at the beach. Today was such a day, but much worse. Today when you looked out across the sand you could see a thin mist. Today the lifeguards had long pants and long sleeves. Today the sand stung.

The minute I walked on the beach I remembered the time I was with my parents during a "sand storm", I was five and that's what I referred to it as my whole life. My Dad had several Restaurateur's in his family and one owned a place in Atlantic City, NJ, another owned a juice joint on the Boardwalk. The restaurant was a nice piece of real estate on a corner lot and had lodgings on the floors above, which is where we stayed most summers.

I don't remember much of the day just that my mom kept me wrapped in a towel. What I remember most are the stories I had to listen to about my reaction to the windy day at the beach.. How I whined, cried, was generally miserable and ruined everyone's fun.

Well, today I was not about to ruin anyone's fun!

I hung in there, my daughter and I walked up and down the beach, she played, I sat all the while with the sand pounding, getting into my eyes, my hair, and everything in the beach bag was covered with sand. My towel could have filled a child's bucket. But I waited until she said "Okay, we can go." I asked if she was sure and we walked back to our bungalow.

I think I can stop feeling guilty now.

Are Only Fools Kind?

I'm a selfless person.
I like the term "selfless bitch" only cause I like the wordplay.

I'm not trying to brag its just a fact. I'm not proud of it, sometimes I even complain about it. I never put myself first, which feels out of my control. Of course it's entirely possible that I don't feel that I deserve anything. So I readily give of myself and rarely ask for anything in return. It does get tiresome. I don't take care of myself. I don't eat well, I never treat myself to much, and I even feel guilty if I sit and watch a movie. Right now, at this moment, it feels as if my selflessness will take over. I mean it feels like I could loose myself completely in the care and feeding of others. This has happened before. I have been teased about it. If I didn't do it would someone else step up to the plate?

I wasn't always like this. It seems like it was easier when I lived alone. But that's just a long ago memory. Even when I shop for food I almost never get something only I want. When I go out to dinner my choice is based on price not desire. Even when someone else is buying.

I give freely, without thought.
But aren't I supposed to love myself too?
I like myself, I like my company, sometimes I crack myself up.
I just can't find it in my heart to treat myself the way I treat others.

I don't know what it's all about Alfie.
Are we meant to take more than we give.
Or are we meant to be kind?