Leave me Alone

I don't understand how people don't die from loneliness. The brutal reality catches me in the middle of the night as I lie alone in my queen sized bed, I can be reading, and suddenly it hits me.
Or it can just be the quiet of the night that lets in the reality of the day.


But if I'm honest about it there have been many times I am loneliest with people. Occassionally when I am with one person, but more often with more people around. Just a few people, or at a party of 25ish. Not so much in a large crowd, like at a concert or stadium ~ in a crowd I can clearly see the other lonelies, they just don't always know it. Besides crowds that large MAKE me want to be alone!


My astute sensitivities certainly are not my friends at these times. Not at these "feeling lonely" times.


Other times I feel more clearly satisfied with my situation, not fitting in - is not such a bad thing. I see, hear, feel what others don't. I really don't understand this phenomenon but it is something that gives me some sort of edge - not on other people on my own feelings.


I did an unscientific survey and was surprised to find that many people do not suffer from loneliness. Are they lying?
Ashamed of what they feel?

Who knows, it made me feel more lonely.

Alone in my Bed

I have been married 3 times. I will be 57 at the end of this year. I got married for the first time at 23. That's 57 minus 23 equals 34 divided by 3 equals 11.3333 yrs. The first one lasted 2 years, I'm giving myself extra credit for this, it was pure naiveté. Throw in the fact that those 34 years were not all spent married, albeit spent living with the future spouse. I will, with confidence claim to have 2 solid marriages lasting 16 years each. Which is not bad. One cannot say I did not try.

I am alone in my bed, again.