Everythings Coming up Roses

I had a rose bush against the adjoining fence, the rose bush naturally grew in and out of the fence taller and taller, blooming year after year. The beautiful sweet scent caught you as you walked past. Weeds grew to the size of trees behind the fence and I could no longer keep up with the dense growth. 

Two weeks ago my neighbor had everything removed professionally, my rose bush became a stump.

Today I already saw at least ten, two inch healthy sprouts shooting out from the flat, seeming lifeless stumps that remained. 

I thought, I am that bush.

I am a rose!

Bull

I am so tired of bull shit. So much time is wasted on lies. I'm not talking about saying things like "What a cute picture" or "You're new hair cut looks great". I'm talking about the lies that waste precious moments of life that you can't get back. The lies that lead to sleepless nights and hours of playback in someone's mind.

Nearly a decade of my life has gone by filled with lies created by people in my small circle. Like a stone thrown in a lake they ripple, the circle of water growing until almost the entire body of water has been effected. My head aches as I ponder the point of it all.

Somewhere in our minds we know we are being lied to, we see the signs, hear the guarded words and yet the painful truth is unbearable to accept. Choosing to see and hear what we want is easier than searching for the reality.

But wouldn't it be easier if the search wasn't necessary?
Wouldn't life be simpler for all of us if we just told the truth?
Honestly?

Strings

 

In High School some of the kids wouldn't let you into their own private little groups. Apparently I didn't have whatever it took. Even then I knew I shouldn't have to "jump through hoops" to feel that I belonged.
Even then I knew something wasn't right with this hierarchy.

My young daughter has learned not to base her opinions on what others say. I have taught her that you need to get to know the person regardless of what you may hear. You need to judge for yourself who is a good fit for you and who is not. Sometimes you need to try harder and sometimes it comes naturally. Often if you put effort into it you will find we all have a commonality. If the other person doesn't want to try you also have to accept that and move on. Maybe down the road you will meet again and things will be different, maybe not.

I dated someone for a few years who was attached at the hip to his friends. They had been a unit for easily 30 years. I did not "fit in" with these friends. They talked about the old days, the neighborhood, or friends they had in common. Nothing ever went beyond chit chat, and it became obvious they had no need or desire to know me. 

I remember a story this man told me about a high school "friend" he had. A lonely boy who sought only to be accepted to into his group. What he said of the outsider was: "he tried so hard, but we would never let him in". His mannerism when he told the story as an adult still rang with cruelty.

It was then that I realized, they would never let me in.
I also realized that was perfectly okay.
Who would ever want to be "attached" to a group that don't "let" people in?

Laid Off, Fired, Let Go

You can be laid off or you can get laid.
You can be fired or fired up.
You can let go, or be let go.
I think I have experienced all of the above
in the past 30 days.

I'm tired.

He's Just in it for Sex

I recently wrote this as my status on FaceBook:

All of the males I know say of other men "Oh, he's just in it for sex". Uh, um, so....

I'm still left unresolved. If every male I know says he's just in it for sex in a negative manner about other men, are they also saying it about themselves?
Which brings me once again to the question of love vs sex. Here are my thoughts:

I have bandied about the phrases "love" and "in love" too many times to count, and I will continue to do so most likely until the day I die. I love so many men, I'm in love with many of them too. Not the kind of in love that doesn't last the kind of in love that brings joy to my heart. I have said "if you can make me laugh, I'll fall in love with you" it's so true. Do I fantasize about sex with these men? That's my business, do I flirt, hell yeah! Love is weird, it comes from the heart when you least expect it. It's fleeting, it's deep, it's forever, sometimes it dies. "In love" is more confusing to me. I've never gotten beyond first grade "in love". I kissed Steven Rosenberg on the cheek in the back of the class. That was the beginning for me, I don't even think we ever spoke. Hit and run, that's me. I prefer the word smitten, it's so non-committal and better describes feelings.

As for sex, I have loved sexual partners, I have been in love with sexual partners, I have had no feeling for sexual partners, and I have been date raped. No means No guys. I have had bad sex with men I love and I have had great sex with men I don't love. I have fallin in love during sex for a moment, and then afterwards wondered why I'm there. I've had angry "I'll show him" sex. I've had one last time sex (that never seemed to be one last time even if it took years to happen again) and I've had can we just get this over with sex.

My one friend's response was "and women are in it for....??"
To which my reply is: What the heck do I know. I just hate it when it ends.

"Hubbell, it's Katie."

Have you ever cried during sex? I have, not a lot but it has happened.

When I'm "caught" of course I lie. I've always tried my best to hide it but sometimes depending on how you wind up, the tears role in a bad position and then you can't get to them because your hands are God knows where, so you hear him say "are you crying?" Busted! Honestly this doesn't happen often, how could it, after all? So, what do I say? "YEAH??? WTF is that about?" or "It's nothing, happens sometimes just an emotional release....women?"

Why do I really cry? Sometimes, just for a second, my head interrupts the fun that my body is having. (at least when it is having fun) Once my brain goes there, my heart shifts into immediate reaction and triggers the tear.

Where does my brain go for that two seconds? To the reality of the situation, to the heart of the matter. To the fact that this has nothing to do with love. To the knowledge that it's possible I could have a brown paper bag over my head and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. To the reality that I am not special.

But more than that...neither is he.

I Could Spend my Whole Day Through Just Watching you.

I simply adore people watching. Strangers that is, not a stalker! I could do it all day and I have.

When I graduated Art School me and my friend did almost all of the Art Shows at the shore. It was fun, we made a couple of bucks, met other artists, swapped art, got a tan, and had an excuse to rent a motel room.

You're typical win win.

Normally I would find myself sitting on the railing if there was one, working on my tan and watching the people.It made the day fly, sales made the day fly too, but people watching was easier. Well, I learned how to act at an art/craft show at least, the do's and don'ts as it were. But lets get back to people watching.

Another great place to people watch is at Trade Shows and Weddings, I have taken up smoking at weddings so I can go out and mingle and feel at one with the other smokers. Turns out it's a special private club, and a great reason to excuse yourself when you find you are bored to tears. Wish I had started it years ago.

You need to be discreet, if they know you are watching they show off, sometimes I start up a ridiculously personal conversation, especially with young people. I feel I am at the age that I can finally get away with it without fear that someone thinks I'm trying to pick them up.

So next time you go out I'll be the one not paying attention, but watching every movement.
Don't be fooled there are many of us.