Alone Again, Naturally

I can't wait to live alone again. I'm not including my brother or my daughter. He's keeps to himself and is always there if I want to talk. He also likes to buy donuts. My daughter will soon be a teenager which means she'll be home less.

I am talking about being sans man. If I desire male companion ship or a man to fix something, say like "my pipes" I feel that will never be an issue.

Sure on occasion I will dream of meeting someone who will once again cherish me and dream of growing old with me. A man who will cuddle up to me in the middle of the night or kiss my forehead gently. But I will no longer be waiting or expecting that.

Sometimes I will feel sad and want nothing more than to lay around watching old movies under the covers drifting in and out of a drug induced sleep.

Other times I will bask in the freedom.

I don't know what lies down my road.

I do know I am ready.

GaGa Over Babies

I have to say I never got what the deal was with people getting all gaga with babies. Seemed all they did was spit up, poop, and cry. I used to tell my mother I'm not having a kid until I can get one that's around two and get rid of it at around eight. "I don't like babies." I would tell her. "Wait until you have your own." she would say.

When some of my friends had babies they asked: "Do you want to hold her?" I politely declined. At my job I was working on a brochure for new mom's. It required lots of pictures of a mom and baby. When I met our baby model, his mom asked if I wanted to hold him, I cringed inside. I'm a professional I thought, you'll be spending two long days with this baby and his mom, buck up. So I did.....at arms length. My entire department of co-workers and friends laughed out loud at me. I looked at them and shrugged, "I don't like babies."  "Wait until you have your own." they said almost in unison.


My second husband and I never had children, the majority of the couples we dated also choose not to have children. I had no regrets, no longings, no needs unfulfilled. We all had cats or dogs, responsibility enough. 


The man I married in my early forties, had a two year old and I became a stepmother. He told me he wanted to have a child with me. I was eight years older. I just smiled, I was confident at the age of forty six I had nothing to fear.


I was wrong. 


I loved every minute of my pregnancy but was very nervous about an actual baby. I wouldn't say motherhood came naturally to me, at least it didn't feel like it. Audrey's first three month's were a struggle for me, I'm told that's normal. At around six months the fun started up and continued until around the age of eight (yeah I was spot on with that) grrr. Kidding. 


I'm still not the person that picks up other people's babies, nor do I coo at them. I still prefer toddlers. 


If you don't like babies, I have some advice: Wait until you have your own.

Little Chicken

Can men and women be just friends?
Yes, if they weren't men and women.

There is almost always sexual tension between the sexes and flirting is a safe, easy way to relieve it.

Once in awhile in a drunken stooper I may have succumbed to flirting gone haywire, but not since I was 20 something. My experience has been that the man usually pulls the first innuendo or suggestion.
Men are just wired differently, they don't know when to stop.
In all fairness I think it's more about the individual.

I flirt out of habit, for me it's a form of communication, it's fun, and it comes easily to me. I flirt with everybody, EVERYBODY! But, there are those who do not flirt. As if flirting will lead them to a dark seedy flop house where they are left to sneak out with all dignity gone. Usually these people also have no sense of humor. You need to be quick witted to be a good flirt.

Relationships change and sometimes disintegrate, if you can save anything from them, consider yourself lucky. Each one is very different and very unique. Enjoy every moment of each and don't have regrets.

Life is short, so flirt, the sky won't fall.

Is the House Still There?

I'm on the phone telling him I just got home and he says:
"Is the house still there?"

I know I'm forgetful lately but this is too much for my brain to comprehend.
Did we have a visit from aliens I was unaware of?
Did I forget a mortgage payment?
An explosion I missed on the news?

"Ah, yea, the house is still here."

Today he took the Little Tykes playhouse out of the back yard and onto the street, in search of new owners. I had been keeping it in hopes that someday it would be painted with that new fangled paint for plastic. I would then keep it looking quite delightful in my imaginary garden that I never work in anymore.

Sometimes I just need to let go.

"Oh, I was sure someone would take it."

(they did)

The Black Hole

Let me apologize ahead of time here, this is about depression. DUH!

If you read my blogs you know I suffer from it. Well the one I'm in now is not the suicide one, yes I am quite grateful for that! It is the I don't want to do anything, what's the point kind.

Yesterday I actually said "out loud" at the food market "what's the point of buying food everyone just eats it and then you have to buy more" Perhaps this is due to my financial situation which is rather bleek. But really isn't that a stupid thing to say?

I sit and feel guilty that I'm not being creative, so I force myself to do something creative that I loose interest in in fifteen minutes. Which makes me feel like a loser. I lie on the sofa watching some movie that I don't even enjoy because I think of what I SHOULD be doing.

I jot down numerous ideas and sketches of things I want to make. Which is where they stay...

in the notebook.

I need a miracle cure. I think you call it love.

In a Single Bound

I fold an Eggo, pour syrup in the middle and eat it taco style in three bites at the kitchen sink. 

I slurp, cat style, the entire cup of Kozy Shack pudding just with my tongue.

Using a few long pretzel logs I devour a bowl of ice cream.

I peel the entire banana before I eat it, any other way looks crude.

I eat Mallomars whole and suck Whopper Malted milk balls in my mouth until they dissolve.

I chew licorice free hand while I'm driving. 

When I get to the end of the Custard Ice Cream cone after I've made sure each little square is filled with ice cream... I shove it into my mouth in its entirety.

Why?

Because I enjoy the challenge.

Please Don't Send me Flowers Anymore

Towards the end of the relationship when you were not willing to admit defeat, while you were still hopeful.
Each Friday afternoon I would open my door and you would be standing there with flowers.

I had to carry the flowers home, so everyone would see what a wonderful guy you were. All I could think was, if you gave them to me on a Monday it would brighten my office all week. Now I have to drag them home, on the train, hope the cats don't knock them over in the vase, and then throw them out after they wilt and die.

I told you I didn't like gladiolus, but you continued to buy them anyway. Who were you buying them for?

I dated a young man who bought me carnations each week, the kind they dye different colors. I was such a romantic I would press each flower from the bouquet in a book, lay them out on a piece of colored cardboard and frame them. I had the framed flowers in my room until he broke my heart. Then I replaced the flowers with magazine covers that Woody Allen had appeared on.

Flowers are lovely, but they die. 
I used to think it was wrong to cut them and put them in a vase.
Truth is they die on the bush, the stem or the vine just as quickly.

Maybe better to just draw me a picture.