MOMMY! He's...

I have not had a close relationship with my brother since my mom kicked him out of the house in 1970. I tried, many times, but the obstacles were high. He was leading his own "wild life" that I was too young to be a part off. There's a big gap between 14 and 18, that lessens greatly between 57 and 61.

Our lives were different. He married and had his first son at 19, made a six figure salary with no more than a high school diploma. He worked hard and played hard. Drove beautiful cars, and toured the country on Harley's. His suits were custom made, he owned a magnificent collection of guns and he's "inked" to the nines.. We spoke maybe once a year, and saw each other every few.
I went to art school, married at 30, had my ears pierced three times, drive a 15 year old Subaru, before that I had two Chevette's and a Hyundai,  and had my daughter at 47. He laughed when I told him I was pregnant. I live my life in moderation. I don't do anything hard.

Seven years ago after our mother was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, she moved in with me for her last few months. My brother came often to see her. He favored my mom, I favored my dad, who died when I was eleven. My relationship with my brother grew from that point for awhile, then it fell back to where it had been. Last May my brothers wife passed away and I did what I do. He's on a fixed income now from a motorcycle accident, and can no longer stay where he is. I asked him to move in with me and he accepted.
My brother is moving in with me next week.

Take a deep breath.

Girls Rule Boys Drool

It seems to have come up in conversations recently, so after all of these years I've decided to give some thought to the question. What are the differences (for me) between female friends and male friends? Aside from the obvious.

I am fortunate to say that I have had many close relationships with both sexes over the years, my first boy "friend" was Steven. I'm very bad with dates and years so I'm guessing we were about six or seven. Steven lived three doors down from me and he was a year younger. We played lots of made up games and explored nature. Once we found a dead bird and dissected it. That was the day I got my first wasp sting. Then there was Sandy, we played house. At this point in my life there were no little girls on my block and so I had not yet experienced a real girlfriend, I also had only boy cousins, so I guess you could say I developed an ease around boys.

My first real girlfriend that I remember was when I started elementary school. Her name was Melody and sometimes I ate lunch at her house or visited after school. 
My friendships were never like "The Bill Chill" I never was in a group of friends that hung out and did stuff together. It was always one on one and still is. Every once in a while there would be two girls, it was fun while it lasted but it never seemed to, last that is.

So now lets get to the meat of the question. What are the differences? Well, with girlfriends, we talk about boys (boyfriends, love interests) and with boys we talked about love interests, usually of the opposite sex. Occasionally, I would go shopping with a friend, but usually alone. Some guys are very helpful at this. Drinks, dinner, lunch, movies, it's all the same with boys and girls. Talking is the key. Real friends no matter which sex are best to talk to. Talking on the sofa, on the phone, at tea, while standing by your car, skyping, texting, iming.

Ya know how people always say the sign of a true friend is: "it doesn't matter how long we've been apart we just pick up were we left off" I say the sign of a true friend is when one or both of you needs to leave and neither of you can stop talking.

The sex of the person makes not one bit a difference.

Clean up on Aisle...

I hate food shopping.

Pickin Cotton

I work in a fabric store.

Up until a few months ago I enjoyed my job. I adore my coworkers and my work was challenging, creative and fun. I built up our Facebook page from 200 to over 6000, wrote some blogs, sent out email sales and newsletters.     I designed a look, and generally was the Social Media go to girl. Until the young forman arrived. Suddenly the majority of my job resonsibilites were taken from me without a word. Well, there were a few words that came in the form of commands. I was to help the young bucks with ideas, direction and design ideas as well.

Nah, I don't think so.

Turns out I know the pulse of our readers and what they want. The Foreman tells me not to change anything I do on Facebook, because it works so well. I do anyway....when I think I can improve it. The sad part is I still like that part of my job. I hate not being acknowledged or appreciated for a job well done. Of course this kid makes twice what I do as a part-time consultant and he farms out the design (if you can call it that) to Pakistan.

Am I surprised? No, I've rarely been appreciated for my talents. In reality it may be partially my fault, I don't demand much. But between the glass ceiling and now the gray ceiling. It's hard to know the real reason.

I'm sure there's another plantation that can use some cheap help.

Shock Treatment

If someone has cancer and you know they are dying is it less painful when they pass?

When you see the company you work for sending more work overseas, does it hurt any less when you get your notice of termination?

If you suspect a friend is lying is it any less of a betrayal to find out the truth?

When you think the person you share your life with loves another, do you still shed a tear when they close the door behind them?

Alone Again, Naturally

I can't wait to live alone again. I'm not including my brother or my daughter. He's keeps to himself and is always there if I want to talk. He also likes to buy donuts. My daughter will soon be a teenager which means she'll be home less.

I am talking about being sans man. If I desire male companion ship or a man to fix something, say like "my pipes" I feel that will never be an issue.

Sure on occasion I will dream of meeting someone who will once again cherish me and dream of growing old with me. A man who will cuddle up to me in the middle of the night or kiss my forehead gently. But I will no longer be waiting or expecting that.

Sometimes I will feel sad and want nothing more than to lay around watching old movies under the covers drifting in and out of a drug induced sleep.

Other times I will bask in the freedom.

I don't know what lies down my road.

I do know I am ready.

GaGa Over Babies

I have to say I never got what the deal was with people getting all gaga with babies. Seemed all they did was spit up, poop, and cry. I used to tell my mother I'm not having a kid until I can get one that's around two and get rid of it at around eight. "I don't like babies." I would tell her. "Wait until you have your own." she would say.

When some of my friends had babies they asked: "Do you want to hold her?" I politely declined. At my job I was working on a brochure for new mom's. It required lots of pictures of a mom and baby. When I met our baby model, his mom asked if I wanted to hold him, I cringed inside. I'm a professional I thought, you'll be spending two long days with this baby and his mom, buck up. So I did.....at arms length. My entire department of co-workers and friends laughed out loud at me. I looked at them and shrugged, "I don't like babies."  "Wait until you have your own." they said almost in unison.


My second husband and I never had children, the majority of the couples we dated also choose not to have children. I had no regrets, no longings, no needs unfulfilled. We all had cats or dogs, responsibility enough. 


The man I married in my early forties, had a two year old and I became a stepmother. He told me he wanted to have a child with me. I was eight years older. I just smiled, I was confident at the age of forty six I had nothing to fear.


I was wrong. 


I loved every minute of my pregnancy but was very nervous about an actual baby. I wouldn't say motherhood came naturally to me, at least it didn't feel like it. Audrey's first three month's were a struggle for me, I'm told that's normal. At around six months the fun started up and continued until around the age of eight (yeah I was spot on with that) grrr. Kidding. 


I'm still not the person that picks up other people's babies, nor do I coo at them. I still prefer toddlers. 


If you don't like babies, I have some advice: Wait until you have your own.