The high school I went to began at seventh grade and continued on through twelfth, so I was in the same school for six years. But for a few friends, once I graduated I never saw anyone, unless it was random.
I never went to any of my high school reunions. For years I never knew about them because the invitations went to my mothers address and she threw them away. (thanks mom) This is the reason I was always able to avoid the entire issue. Five years ago I got an email invitation, I guess they heisted my address from Classmates.com. Then I had to make a decision, and it wasn't easy. To this day, I have regrets. I don't remember having some big crush for anyone in High School. So my fear didn't involve seeing a person from my past. No, my fear was just that I never really fit in.
I wasn't your average high school kid, I came with baggage. It's a simple story, that didn't feel tragic at the time, I just was out of place with my peers. Now that I'm all grown up, I see how life altering it was. How much it affected me, why I could never be like everyone else. Now that I have a daughter who is the age I was I see more clearly.
My father died from cancer when I was eleven. I watched this vibrant man wither away to nothing. It was during the school year, I was in seventh grade, when life went back to "normal" and I started classes again it was indefinably strange. No one knew what to say to me, especially my friends. That's when the out of place feeling started. One clear memory was taking a social studies test, the room was silent. Our class was on the same floor as the music rooms and in the silence I heard an organ playing. It reminded me of the funeral and my eyes filled with tears, it was uncontrollable. I raised my hand to be excused and the teacher sternly shook her head no, mouthing that a test was in progress. This was the first time I bucked authority, I got up and left. That must have been when I started to forget stuff. My memory pre-death is clear, but I remember little from post death.
Anyway, this is getting morbid. I didn't want to go to the reunion and I went. I drank too much. Yes, I didn't fit in, Yes, my former classmates are all just people, Yes they had advantages I never had. Yes, they grew up more grounded and secure than me. Yes, they were more confident because they had someone tell them they could do it. Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.
It has been five years and another reunion is upon me, am I going - NO, NO, NO.
I don't know, maybe.
