It may be time to face the cold reality, that I know squat. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. I don't know where I've been and I don't know where I'm going. To steal another line from the movie Moonstruck
"my life is going down the toilet."
I never wanted much and I ask for nothing. This is just who I am. Anytime I get close to something I sabotage myself. It's not fun, but I can't seem to help it. I blame it on my parents. It's easier to do that than to own up to my responsibility. But I think it's time to stop that.
I've made some not so great choices, whether they were made out of fear, stupidity, or lack of confidence. Maybe even out of what I thought was love. I made them. I will probably continue to make them, poor choices, that is. I am pretty sure it is fear that paralyzes me. I am afraid of feelings, because people die and leave. I am afraid to ask for what I want because I feel I am not worthy. I am afraid of success and I am afraid of failure.
Don't look now but life is passing me by.
